A Collection of Throw Away Points

Clubbed Cub Clubs Redux

2010-06-21T23:16:00.002-06:00

Big Time Lawyer: "I need you to do some research on seals for me."

Articling Student: "Do I need a club?"

Big Time Lawyer: "No, I mean the little red seals."

Articling Student: I guess he means that they've already been clubbed...

True story.

Eating wax seals is the subject of an Ontario Court of Appeal decision; in that case, the Defendant tore off and swallowed a portion of a document that bore his signature and seal. In his dissenting judgment, Laskin J.A. wrote:

"Nor does anything turn on the defendant's naive
belief that proof of his liability would be effectively forestalled by his
tearing off and swallowing the portions of the document bearing his signature
and that of the subscribing witness."

Dyslexia or an Overactive Imagination?

2009-09-30T23:18:00.002-06:00

I saw: "Network of Militant Robots Siege Mumbai"

The headline actually read: "Network of Militants Is Robust After Mumbai Siege"‏

Using this doll, tell the court where the old man hurt you

2008-04-02T23:53:00.004-06:00

On Tuesday, an old man, who had not been able to score in a significant period of time, finally scored. In so doing, he dashed the hopes and futures of the young men affected by his actions. They were devastated. He was ecstatic.

Other than in Calgary the next morning, wouldn't such a story likely trigger the thought of a pedophile rather than a hockey player?

Who ends a 22-game scoreless streak like that?

In a land of fairy tales and make believe

2008-03-21T12:55:00.005-06:00

*DISCLAIMER: This post is not suitable for young children.

International law is like Santa Clause.

Everyone knows that it's not real, yet as a society we pretend it exists.

Treaties, conventions, and additional protocols are paraded around like a jolly red-suited bearded man on a Christmas float; their presence on every street corner compelling idealists to believe. People tell their children about the International Court of Justice, run by armies of elves, that can differentiate between those that have been bad or good and award lumps of coal or gifts, accordingly. A system of justice that can transcend national boundaries like reindeer can defy gravity, ensuring that every state can be held accountable. The prosecution of Charles Taylor by the Special Court for Sierra Leone and the International Criminal Tribunals for Rwanda and the former Yugoslavia are like an unexplained present under a tree.

But it is hard to believe that anyone (myself excepted) would work for cookies and the occasional glass of milk. And at some point every child starts to ask questions.

Why are people being held and prosecuted in Guantanamo? Why does China get to host the Olympics while oppressing people in Tibet and Taiwan and everywhere else? Why aren't the Chechens people too? Is a genocide in the Sudan too far from the North Pole? How can one man visit all those households in one night?

And in an instant, utopia is transformed into dystopia.

Yet some children continue wanting to believe in a better place. A couple extra lessons about Descartes could lead them to the conclusion that thinking about something can make it so. Or perhaps an over-zealous interpretation of The Little Engine that Could will lead them into transforming the world. However, I'll stick with Chanukah.

Grammar: Necessary but not sufficient

2008-02-15T14:30:00.002-07:00

Yet another reason I do not write stories.

I backed away and tripped over a cell. The frisbee handed me my subsidy and opened the scam. It didn't make sense to me, but I was scared so I grabbed it and ran to my investors.

New Age Bedtime Stories

2008-02-11T00:08:00.000-07:00

The morals from Aesop's Fables are as relevant as ever. The stories just need to be modernized. (Clearly I am very familiar with Aesop's work.)

Read the Small Print

Once upon a time there was a unicorn with a dazzling golden horn. He lived in a forest of reasonable proportions with a reasonable number of trees and a reasonable number of trees that fell while no one could hear them.

However, he was sad and alone. He had missed the memo that all the other unicorns had gone extinct.

Eventually, he contemplated joining a freak-show.

The Early Bird Catches the Worm (inspired in part by Sean Lee)

Once upon a time there was a bank robber. More specifically there was a man that was contemplating robbing a bank. He spent a great amount of time creating meticulous plans to hold up a particularly prosperous bank.

Once all the details were in place, he successfully broke into the bank, only to find out that the bank had just been robbed by another rogue party to the social contract.

Better Late than Pregnant

Once upon a time there was a particularly lovely girl with an alarming proclivity for living a century in the past. One day, she was convinced to think of England.

Did I mention that she is lovely?

Partially polarized bipeds

2008-02-10T00:57:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that duck-footed is the antonym of pigeon-toed.

Simple things amuse my simple mind

2007-12-13T21:32:00.001-07:00

The best thing I heard today: "Some people are like a Slinky: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs."

Just because

2007-12-08T20:24:00.000-07:00

THE PIGEON HAS FEELINGS, TOO!

complete credit to Mo Willems

The End

Eating the Profit

2007-11-27T14:25:00.000-07:00

So apparently there is a coin shortage in India caused by the razor-blade companies buying coins to make razor blades, which is having a sweet side-effect: the provision of a chocolate bar as change in lieu of a half rupee coin.

Yay barter.

Coo coo for cocoa stuffs

2007-11-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

In Cornwall, police are searching for two men who attempted to rob a gas station, but got away with only chocolate bars.

I for one am glad to see that the police in Cornwall have their priorities straight: chocolate above all else. Clearly the aim here is either to recover the missing chocolate or to secure restitution for its loss and has nothing to do with attempted robbery. (I mean really, what's with attempted crimes? No one gets a gold at the Olympics for attempted bobsledding.)

What I want to know is what sort of chocolate bars were stolen. After all, perhaps the chocolate bars were the real target of the hold-up.

I think that the sentences given to these chocoholic shoplifters should be proportional to the type of chocolate with which they absconded. The better the chocolate bar, the lesser the sentence; I reckon that there is nothing unjust about punishing people for bad taste (clearly I'm going to do well in sentencing).

For example, if they went for the UK equivalent of Oh Henry bars, they deserve life imprisonment with a 5-7 year parole ineligibility. Anyone that really likes peanuts perverting their chocolate needs to be removed from the public because they pose a danger to society. If, on the other hand, these five-finger discount fiends were targeting toblerone bars, that should be a mitigating factor, resulting in a slap on the wrist.

Regardless, let's just hope that any judgment rendered in this case does not suggest that the lack of bonnets and crinoline at this petrol station meant that the chocolate was asking for it. After all, there were no wooden carvings.

Reflections on Remembrances

2007-11-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

I spent Remembrance Day in a pool learning how to scuba dive.

There is definitely something surreal about standing in a semi-circle in the shallow end of the pool in full scuba gear, observing two minutes of silence with 80 other bathing suit-clad people, poppy-adorned lifeguards, and confused toddlers.

Internal Service Error. You've sunk my battleship.

2007-09-21T09:46:00.000-06:00

While trying to navigate a website, this picture came up with the message:

"The server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request."

Best photo of a service error ever.

Speaking of things that make me want to go killer-octopus on their ship of stupidity, the house down the street has had their Christmas lights up for a week. It's September. Three months early and wasting energy to celebrate the two-thousand and seventh anniversary of a birth seems a bit excessive to me. I know people that cannot be bothered to celebrate their twenty-third birthday.

However, this indiscriminate over-illumination irks me far less than the new prevalence of public service announcements. I am a fan of small states and the principle of survival of the fittest, two ideals that are not upheld by such announcements. Usually I could not be bothered to protest a specific state-sponsored nanny-ing announcement, after all, the fewer people playing in traffic, the less likely my car is to get hurt and the more perverse the Darwin Awards become. Even Alberta's new campaign about eating healthy does not sufficiently raise my ire to illicit objection.

However, I have extensive reservations about the newest safe driving radio campaign. I do not have a problem with the message that speeding kills, nor with the use of stand-up comedy as the setting for the commercials. Rather, I object to the campaign slogan of "speed limits save lives". Speeding may kill, not speeding may reduce deaths, however, speed limits are just numbers on a sign. The limits in and of themselves do not do anything; the mere existence of these limits does not save lives. The signs do even less - think of the additional property damage done when people run into those signs. Following speed limits may save lives, but there is a dramatic difference between the idea that compliance with a rule saves lives versus the idea that the mere existence of a rule has such an effect. And it is that technicality that has me eye the possibility of finding myself a killer-octopus.

Cyberslacking, Cyberloafing, or Cyberbludging

2007-09-14T00:11:00.000-06:00

Today, I was introduced to the word 'Goldbricking', which refers to the practice of using one's internet access for personal use, while maintaining the appearance of working.

In tribute to my newly enriched vocabulary, I thought I'd share a means of internet procrastinating that I came across somewhere.

Step 1: Go to google,
Step 2: put your name followed by the words 'likes to' in quotation marks (for example "Bismarck likes to"),
Step 3: share the first ten results.

Here are mine (spot the references to Ariel Sharon, Sharon Osborne, and elementary material):

"An award winning speaker, Sharon likes to combine reading excerpts from her book with a dynamic presentation comparing the traditional "war model" for communicating with the new, Powerful Non-Defensive Communication model she has created."
"Sharon likes to read, listen to music, and run."
"Sharon likes to pose as a caring, maternal mentor."
"Sharon likes to say that he stands up to terrorists to show he is not afraid. In fact, his policies are driven by fear."
"Sharon likes to say she's “lived 50 lives in 50 years” and it sounds a fairly conservative estimate."
"Sharon likes to play with her blocks and her drum but she doesn't like to share."
"Sharon likes to draw. Hector is good at spelling. They like different things. They are both special."
"Sharon likes to talk.. .so I let her do all the talking."
"Sharon likes to cook, can’t you tell!"
"Sharon likes to sew or iron while Stan does the budget on the computer."

My favourites are numbers 6, 8, 9, and 3.

The site from which number 6 is from gave me this comic:

Debra, did you make this comic?

Cannibals are the only people that use 100% of the brain

2007-09-08T22:59:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year again when squirrels are collecting acorns and nuts.

"Well of course, Sharon," one might say, "that's how nature works."

Throw in a head shake or an eye-roll and that's how one might respond to my statement. But there's more. On campus, this fairly regular - and some might even say mundane process - is far more compelling. See when the squirrels collect their acorns, they often chew them off and let them fall from the tree to the ground, from where they will collected at a later time.

"Yes Sharon," one might add, "that's how squirrels collect acorns. Squirrels are all efficient like that."

But wait, there's still more. As the squirrels do this on campus, the meandering students become walking bulls-eyes. I saw two different students nearly get hit. It was awesome.

I wonder if the squirrels get 10 points for students and 15 for faculty. Bonus points for anyone on skateboards.

And now for a complete 540 degree turn

2007-09-04T21:17:00.000-06:00

"Eugenics is the answer, you are the question."

I'm going to leave that without any context.

Something about a Syrian Bunker

2007-07-27T19:50:00.000-06:00

Some random tidbits I've collected:

It seems that the universal minimum age for riding an elevator alone is 14.
The deeper magic in Harry Potter is quite similar to that in the Chronicles of Narnia (and Jesus, for that matter).
Some people hang baby shoes near the exhaust pipe of their car. I'm assuming it's for luck, but I'm not sure. (It is somewhat visible in the picture.)
There's no point on going off roading in a jeep if one doesn't get a flat tire.
King Herod was a perfectionist.
Carob seed were considered to have uniform mass and were used to measure weights before standardized measurements; the word carat is derived from carob (a metric carat is just over three carob grains or 200 mg).

noun noun verb adjective

2007-07-01T11:47:00.000-06:00

Every once in a while, the results of a mad lib are worth sharing with the world. My favourite lines are in purple.

Think different

Here's to the yellow ones, the socks, the zebras, the blenders.
The medium-rare pegs in the silly holes.
The ones who poke things differently.
They're not fond of noses, and they have no kitten for the status quo.
You can close them, peel with them, lament them, limit or enhance them.
About the only thing you can't do is electrocute them.
Because they defenestrate companies.
They duck. They sew. They calculate.
They humidify. They zip. They time.
They remedy the elixir forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy.
How else can you giggle at an empty mirror and see a work of apricot?
Or sit in a drawer and stop a chain that's never been ambled?
Or swim at a red outlet and see a plane on wheels?
We make frames for these kinds of people.
While some may see them as the straws, we see panel.
Because the ones who are crazy enough to change the leisure suit, are the ones who bite.

In fact, in hindsight, the entire thing may just be an ode to Kim Jong Il. I mean the leisure suit, the mobilizing of the planes on wheels, the outlet of red communism, the disinterest in the status quo, and the number of people that want to put him into a jail frame. I guess that means we cannot electrocute him.

That's the thing that's great about Mad Libs, it can take completely innocuous words, string them together, and give them a completely different meaning.

Now to help draw up plans for our bomb shelter wine cellar

2007-06-26T07:05:00.000-06:00

I'm driving a car for this week in Israel. It's a white Daihatsu Sirion that we've affectionately named milk dud (milky for short) it's white, looks like a miniature milk delivery truck, and is a bit of a dud.

Yesterday, I parked on a filled in hole that was caused by a katyusha rocket.

As well, apparently there is a place not that far from here where one buys hotdogs that are stuffed (made?) in front of you. (As in they put the meat inside the casing while you watch.)

Wasted Manhours

2007-06-24T14:26:00.000-06:00

There is a dearth of trash receptacles in the arrivals lounge in terminal three of the London Heathrow Airport. In fact, I saw more people engaging in bicycling (you know, where two people lay on their backs, put their feet in the air, and pedal against each other - as opposed to the type pictured to the left) than garbage cans.

I do understand the reasons for the lack of litter bins, but I have no idea about the bicycling.

Oh and the whole arrivals sequence in the movie Love Actually is only part rubbish.

I do bite my thumb sir

2007-06-21T00:22:00.000-06:00

While walking along Canary Wharf, I was told that one can say things that are offensive and still be politically correct if one is quoting something directly and does not show support for the proposition.

“There are three O’s of bad driving: Old, Oriental, and Ovaries.”

Living by Analogy

2007-06-20T09:58:00.000-06:00

As I sat there shaking my fist and yelling consensus ad idem out my car window, I knew I was going into the correct profession. It was a timely confirmation, having just endured articling week, secured future employment, and realized that I’ll be married to my profession.

Articling week is an interesting experience. It’s like the biological clocks of most second year law students begin ticking and they are all start dating with the intent to wed, with the added reality TV show feel of contrived junior high-like rules that everyone has to follow. If it were a Discovery Channel special it would be called “Legal Mating Rituals.”

First, firms post openings much like personal ads in the classified section. Some firms prefer long walks on the beach, others prefer a good intimate conversation, and yet others prefer to make you slave away for them while they crush your soul and dampen your spirits. Next, upon seeing the postings, law students send in their application packages to the firms they like (or all of them, for those using the shotgun approach) in hopes of getting asked on a first date. First dates are awkward. Both the firms and the students are trying to figure out if they like the other party and if the other party likes them (a “good fit” if you will), all while operating under strict timelines and with numerous third parties. Some students play hard to get, others are quite forward about their feelings, while others embody desperation.

In the end, the firms ask a subset of the students it dated on second dates. These second dates vary from an interview over a classy dinner, to an interview over coffee, to an interview over dinner with several of the other potential students being pitted against each other.
Then comes the suspense. Students wonder if their favourite firm will propose to them and firms wonder if their choice students will say yes.

Now enter the contrived rules. No firm can propose before a set date and time. Firms can express interest in students, but they cannot pressure students to divulge what they will say to a proposal. There can even be a blackout time during which the firms cannot contact the students.

Finally it’s 8am. Phone calls go out and firms propose to students. Students that accept a proposal are engaged. Their marriage will take place just over a year later, barring any unforeseen circumstances (of course, they all stay motivated during the next year). As of 8:04, the grapevine gets going; who’s engaged? To whom? And who received numerous proposals?

The dating analogy continues; some marriages are happy and long-lasting, while others end divorce – an associate may be courted and wooed by another firm, or choose to go in-house, or because the associate no longer wants to practice law. I wonder how a firm feels if it thinks that it was the reason that a student was turned off of the legal profession.

Now in lieu of an actual wrap-up of my post: in London, I heard a TV announcer refer to toilet paper as loo-roll.

Your face better taste like candy

2007-06-11T12:55:00.000-06:00

If giants existed, I wonder if they would play dominoes with flat screen TVs.

It is interesting to discover what one ponders whilst chasing a distant red dot along miles of Alberta highway on the return from an adventure.

Some realizations I have reached during long stretches of highway driving:

Veal is cute
Alberta is a beautiful province, big, but beautiful
There are lots of trees and cows and sheep
Some trucks do not like being passed
Nicole has interesting ways of trying to invoke jealousy
It is not good to drive whilst feeling stuffed like a gopher in Torrington
Em can climb up the side of mountains
Candy Mountain is not a funny allusion to someone that has not seen it
Erin makes funny noises when poked
Cotton Candy can melt
Nick Tam remembers the giant dinosaur
Bugs like windshields
Lightning is pretty

I'm Suddenly Malignant

2007-05-25T23:15:00.000-06:00

The number of Mute Swans in the Thames is declining, and a few years ago, a British Tabloid accused asylum-seekers of trapping and barbecuing the Queen's swans. While the accusations turned out to be baseless, the Queen's ownership over the swans is a true, albeit curious, anachronism.

Based on a statute from 1324, The Queen technically still owns all the sturgeons, whales, porpoises, and dolphins within three miles of UK shores. In the 12th century, the English monarch was also granted ownership over all the mute swans in England (swans were a good source of food, and common people had to turn to Turkeys for their dinners instead).

In the 15th century, the crown gave ownership rights in the swans to others, including the Vintners' and Dyers' Companies, both of whom still share ownership of the swans in the Thames with the Seigneur of the Swans - the Queen herself. There is still an annual practice of Swan Upping, where mute swans on the River Thames are rounded up, caught, marked, and then released to keep a census of the swan population and to establish ownership rights over the cygnets.

The morals of the story are three-fold:

Being the Queen of England carries with it a lot of added duties;
the British are very traditional; and
the Queen can have all the sturgeons, dolphins, porpoises, whales, and swans she wants, I just want a pet duck.

Don't panic, I'm mostly harmless

2007-03-22T11:10:00.000-06:00

My goals for this post:
1) Use my favourite Daily Show quote for the week
2) Divulge a highly entertaining story without breaking any promises or betraying any confidences
3) Make an allusion to Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy

I used to respect a certain individual, until last week he cut a cheque and accidently made it out to himself instead of the intended recipient and all the [respect] I had disappeared like a horse in a jello factory.

Yay. Three for three.

I'll disabuse you of that notion in the hallway with a prosthetic limb

2007-03-13T20:58:00.001-06:00

The notion of unconditional love seems like an antiquated concept in the age of Las Vegas weddings, 24 hour marriages, and ubiquitous divorces; and it appears that Sir Paul McCartney is paying dearly for his beliefs. A quick search on Google News reveals that Heather Mills will be receiving a $68 million divorce settlement to conclude a marriage of less than 4 years -- she's being paid over $17M/year of their marriage, or about $46,575/day, or about $32/minute (I'm told that that is a significantly higher rate than a 1-900 number or an escort). Do you realize how many starving children in Africa could be fed for that amount? If she were to only take $30/minute and donate the difference to one of those dollar a day foundations, she could support 24 orphans and give Angelina Jolie and Madonna a run for their money.

I find it difficult to be very sympathetic towards Paul. One should have to pay for one's stupidity and it seems to me that anyone that has found truly unconditional love would want to sign a prenuptial agreement to illustrate that the marriage was not incentivized by money. However, I am concerned about the $68 million windfall that his ex is receiving; giving someone who tries to influence an unrelated country's domestic policy regarding clubbing seal such a substantial sum of money could be detrimental. Fortunately, karma will be restored, in part; bookies everywhere are going out on a limb and are taking bets about whether Heather's leg will fall off during her upcoming performances on "Dancing with the Stars."

On a much more positive note, here is the story of a cute penguin that was saved near Japan.

I wonder how many penguins one could buy for $68 million?

At least three.

You can't throw children at a problem, unless the problem is a blender

2007-03-11T23:41:00.000-06:00

Anyone that knows how to transform a shower into a giant goldfish bowl, please let me know. It is important. Very important. I'll even endeavour to not be unnecessarily cruel to the fish.

In consideration, I'll explain why there is no difference between horses and peanut butter.

Also, does anyone want to buy 2 Oilers tickets to the Minnesota game on March 15? I bought them the day before the trade deadline.

Duck Duck Goose Cookie Crane

2007-03-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

I think that this Cigarro & Cerveja comic sums up my outlook on life perfectly:
This particular comic was even entitled quack.

Speaking of which, I was given the most amazing Chanukah gift (yes I know it was over two months ago): I received a set of rubber duckies that glow or light up when they are placed in water. I now want to have a dinner party so that I can use them in a centre piece. I cannot wait until the ducks fly north for the summer.

On a related note, today I was told that over 20% of the world's cranes are in Dubai. I thought that the statistic was referring to the bird variety of cranes, but it turns out that the statistic refers to the fact that about a quarter of the world's construction cranes (~30,000 of ~125,000) are opperating in Dubai. That's somewhat disturbing.

They dress real bad and they think they're New York

2007-02-26T23:57:00.000-07:00

I've had this song stuck in my head since Wednesday, which is when I ventured to Toronto to moot about the Supreme Court's Labaye decision. (The court held that a club called l'Orage in downtown Montreal, which had eight mattresses strewn across its third floor to enable its membership of over 800 individuals and their guests to engage in anonymous swinging or group sex or orgies (pick your characterization), is not a common bawdy house because the acts taking place on the third floor are not indecent.)

It turns out that since the decision, such acts have been embraced on a much wider scale. Note the "everyone else" category in the photo (this is the sign for a store on Bay Street in Toronto, that seems to have a similar clientele to that of l'Orage).

I'm also quite convinced that Air Canada is happy with the SCC decision; it means that it is no longer indecent for Air Canada to try and screw all its passengers at once.

On my way home through terminal three of YYZ (in which there are many signs protesting the disproportionate rent that the GTAA has to pay the government for their airport relative to other airports - a cause which garnered no sympathy from me), I noticed a display of polar animals. One of them was a seal. I will now indulge myself with a pictorial post script to my previous post:

What would happen if a seal cub

was clubbed with a billy club

to be served in a club sandwich

to a school club
one of whom had just joined the

?

That better be one tasty seal cub club sandwich.

On an unrelated note, my moot coach made sure we ate our protein, endeavoured not to "cramp our style," and warned us of the danger of contracting a disease because the comforters on hotel beds needs not be laundered between each guest.

Once you pop, you just can't stop

2007-02-21T00:57:00.000-07:00

Hunting for sport seems to be a waste of meat.

I wonder if there is a market for clubbed seal cub club sandwiches.

Clearly I'm not a vegetarian because of any moral opposition to killing animals.

The best thing about the third world is the cheap parking

2007-02-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

I love Valentine's Day. It is the best example of how commercialization and development can make so many people miserable.

In tax class yesterday, I wrote a poem for the occasion:

Ducks go quack
Cows go moo
Frogs go ribbit
And Dogs go poo

Taxes go up
Horses make glue
The Earth goes round
And Hallmark screws you

To be fair, Hallmark has managed to do a great job of ensuring that misery gets lots of company, while turning a healthy profit. My inner entrepreneur is jealous.

How have you evolved enough to stand upright?

2007-02-06T18:56:00.000-07:00

It has recently come to my attention that Lexus has made a vehicle that can parallel park itself.

.

This enrages me on many levels.

Besides the fact that it takes longer to program the bloody Lexus to park in a spot than it does for most normal drivers to actually park, and the fact that I doubt that most people that are unable to parallel park can line up a car to the extent necessary for this function to work, I can hear Darwin spinning in his grave. Our so called civilized society has 'evolved' to a level where the principle of survival of the fittest has been replaced by a survival of the richest. It no longer matters what abilities an individual has, nor what talents he or she chooses to hone. Rather, if you cannot do something, you can pay to get it done.

As a rule, this opportunity for wealth redistribution in exchange for a service does not bother me because it ensures that people can exploit their relative advantages, resulting in a system with more optimal production. (It also ensures that I shall have a job in the future.)

However, my soulless capitalist nature does not extend to roadways. Unlike classrooms, gender neutral washrooms, and the political correctness movement, roadways are not there for the sake of making everyone feel like they belong. In fact, if one cannot understand the concept of traveling the speed of traffic, or if one believes that snow prevents normal driving, or if one is afraid of turning left or changing lanes or driving near semi-trailer trucks, GET OFF THE ROAD!

And if you cannot figure out how to parallel park your bloody luxury vehicle, you do not deserve that parking spot; leave it for someone that has the minimal competence and coordination to turn their steering wheel while their car is in reverse. Park a little bit further away, walk the extra couple of blocks, and see if that provides sufficient motivation to learn to do what almost every sixteen year old can accomplish.

One might think I am over-reacting, after all, advances in technology have been implemented to help mankind exceed its physical and mental limitations, to enable individuals to be lazier, and in general to make life easier. However, there needs to be a limit to the extent upon which people rely on technology, and I think that this is that limit. Allow me to argue by analogy: if Lexus had been undermining natural selection in this manner on a more global scope, maybe the dodo wouldn't have gone extinct, or maybe the the gimped tiger that was left for dead by its mother would survive without learning to hunt or fend for itself, or maybe being a vegan would be a viable lifestyle choice. But who really wants a world that is full of dodos, gimped tigers, and vegans? Fake parallel parkers are no different.

To summarize, I am irked that Lexus is undermining evolution.
If you see a Lexus parallel parked in a spot that you wanted, blame technology.
And why would someone give up eating real ice cream?

Right now they're building a coffin your size

2007-01-20T02:53:00.000-07:00

I desperately want to feed bread to a duck

"It's scientifically irrefutable, in a way that global warming isn't"

2007-01-19T00:38:00.000-07:00

Do it:

http://www.davidandgoliathtees.com/games/throwrocks.html

Regardless of how misogynistic I am, this is something I often contemplate doing.

Credit to Erin and Georgia, despite their attempts to teach me tact.

Being irreplaceable means you can't get promoted

2007-01-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

Girl 1: Boys are good for carrying heavy things, reaching high shelves, and opening jars.

Girl 2: Actually I have this metal device that you can use to loosen the pressure on jars to make them easier to open.

Girl 1: Yet another handheld device that can be used to replace men.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2006-12-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: if you work on a psychiatric review board, I am perfectly normal.

It's the official sound of tobogganing:

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I currently have more tobogganing noises stored up than I have opportunities to use them. As such, I need to find situations in which to expend the surplus.

Driving to the airport?
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(clearly an adrenaline charging opportunity)

Going shopping?
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(clearly an opportunity to try and "miss" small children that are in the way)

Constructive trusts?
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(Clearly a downhill endeavour)

Only one more exam

Running for home

2006-12-17T00:55:00.000-07:00

1 more final left.
There is something fundamentally unsatisfying about having 100% of one's grade determined by a three hour exam.
On my employment exam, I wrote a limerick. That was satisfying.

It occurs to me that if global warming pans out, it could fix the problems in the middle east. How can you fight over Israel if it's 70 degrees or filled with water?

Now back to my study cave.
They can be purchased at Wal-mart for an everyday low price. They're in aisle 5 next to tanks.
Some assembly required.

Saving a monarch is dirty work

2006-12-03T23:55:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine just directed me to look at all the lyrics to the British National Anthem.
It seems that they cut some of the versus in polite company.

God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen:
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us:
God save the Queen.

O Lord, our God, arise,
Scatter thine enemies,
And make them fall:
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On thee our hopes we fix:
God save us all.

Thy choicest gifts in store,
On her be pleased to pour;
Long may she reign:
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice
God save the Queen.

The part that is often omitted:

Not in this land alone,
But be God's mercies known,
From shore to shore!
Lord make the nations see,
That men should brothers be,
And form one family,
The wide world o'er.

From every latent foe,
From the assassins blow,
God save the Queen!
O'er her thine arm extend,
For Britain's sake defend,
Our mother, prince, and friend,
God save the Queen!

Lord grant that Marshal Wade
May by thy mighty aid
Victory bring.
May he sedition hush,
And like a torrent rush,
Rebellious Scots to crush.
God save the Queen!

God sure has to do a lot to keep those Brits happy.

"If you need to study for the LSAT, choose a different profession"

2006-11-30T20:14:00.000-07:00

There once was a young man named Rex
With minuscule organs of sex
When charged with exposure
He said, with composure,
"de minimis non curat lex"

On a scale of Learning to Pomegranate

2006-11-29T01:25:00.000-07:00

I doubt that people are inherently good, and it is questionable to say that people are inherently smart, but it is most definitely true to say that people are inherently entertaining.

She said:

I hate guys even more than I used to, they leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Syllable Spammage

2006-11-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that girls don't always make sense. My favourite quote today depicting said lack of sense:

Apes invented words so they could communicate with each other, not spam each other with syllables.*

Apparently words have prescribed meanings that ought to be followed.
___________
*I suppose one could say apes fling syllables, let us not be apes.

Edited to add:
The second best quote of the day (although I guess it's technically a different day) goes to Jon Stewart, remarking about a CNN newsman that, while interviewing the first Muslim elected to the US congress, basically asked the congressman to prove he wasn't planning on destroying the country:

"Finally, someone that says the things that everyone that isn't thinking is thinking."

At least I know what Tetris is

2006-11-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

1) I want to swim across the English Channel. How awesome would that be? Apparently the fastest swims are just over 7 hours. It's quicker to swim from Britain to France by at least an hour. It's like the Mount Everest of swimming. And if one is successful, one's name and time are recorded here.

2) I want to be see a case that deals with s. 7(2.3) of the criminal code:

Despite anything in this Act or any other Act, a Canadian crew member who, during a space flight, commits an act or omission outside Canada that if committed in Canada would constitute an indictable offence is deemed to have committed that act or omission in Canada, if that act or omission is committed
(a) on, or in relation to, a flight element of the Space Station;
or
(b) on any means of transportation to or from the Space Station

3) I want to meet Jon Stewart or be mentioned on the Daily Show.

An employment law haiku dilemma

2006-11-06T20:33:00.000-07:00

fortune cookie said
"gift horses have cavities"
what should dentist do?

It's better than what I do in my International Human Rights class.

Today in History/Why Torture Doesn't Work

2006-11-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

Remember, remember the fifth of November
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, twas his intent
To blow up king and parliament.
Three score barrels were laid below
To prove old England's overthrow.

By God's mercy he was catched
With a dark lantern and lighted match.
Holler boys, holler boys, let the bells ring
Holler boys, holler boys, God save the King.

There were fire works near Whyte Ave most of the evening last night.

'Do not enter' sign enforcement

2006-10-31T20:38:00.000-07:00

I like putting random pictures together.

I'm confused, why is it that people put eggs in baskets?

That only targeted and enraged a small audience. Time for something inflammatory:

Pregnancy is the worst type of STD.

Throwing out the baby with the bath water

2006-10-26T20:51:00.000-06:00

My word of the day:
Decollated.
Meaning beheaded.

Replacement punishment for being drawed and quartered:
Being defenestrated and decollated.
Not just available in Prague.

And according to the picture, being run down by a car may be substituted in for the defenestration part.

And then I wonder why I have nightmares.

Hi you have reached... AHHHHHHHHHH

2006-10-17T20:29:00.000-06:00

I don't trust answering machines.
They seem sinister.
And not just like last Friday.

Speaking about things that are left-handed, wouldn't it be awesome if Jon Stewart were running for President of the USA?
He just seems to care about things. To quote Jon Stewart regarding the riots in Hungary over the apparent lies told by their PM about the economy:

"It must be nice to have a democracy that's so young you can still be disappointed in it."

And this picture suggests that he would fight for the US. (At the very least, it is more convincing than his baseball pitch.) Maybe he could make America care again.

The good ol' hockey game

2006-10-12T23:56:00.000-06:00

Ever wonder if a certain NHL referee bets against the Oilers and then tries to call the game to ensure he wins his bets (perhaps the bets are with Janet Jones)? Ever hypothesize that said referee just hates the Oilers with a blind rage that most people might only reserve for Chelios? Did he lose the affection of a woman to Chris Pronger?

Or are you of the opinion that he is just blind, like his UPA cartoon namesake?

Thank goodness for Hockey Karma.

And Ryan Smyth. 3 goals in 2 minutes and 1 second.

That'll teach the aforementioned referee a lesson.

"The Nuke Kid on the Block"*

2006-10-10T01:43:00.000-06:00

I think it could be fun to write for the Weekly World News, The National Enquirer or some other weekly tabloid publication. The complex formula for determining the front page story (involving the craziness of the conspiracy theory, sex appeal, and celebrities involved being proportional to the chance of being on the front page) seems stimulating and challenging.

For example, some "interesting" stories currently running:

Of course next week, there will have to be a story about North Korea. The most notable thing about North Korea is that there leader is "ape-shit insane,"*** (well that and the whole nuclear thing****). Now one of the notable things about Kim Jong Il (aside from his crazy hair, love of sunglasses, and cult of personality) is that when it comes to issues concerning foreign policy, he flip flops more than John F. Kerry (allegedly) did.

So the crazy cover story theory for next week could be:

"North Korea is led by Identical Twins"

Identical twins Kim Jong I and Kim Jong II collectively known as Kim Jong Il share the dubious spot light focused on North Korea. Although they look the same, each has their own personality, hobbies, and views about North Korea's Foreign Policy; while Kim Jong I likes golf, wants to be a film director, and has always wanted to go to the UN, Kim Jong II wants to nuke everyone. The latter is also the stronger more bully-like one.

Or maybe he's a woman or something like that.
___________
*Title of this post completely and entirely taken from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
**This may or may not be a publication that intends to be considered a tabloid, per se.
***Cliff, Alan. Talking about Kim Jong Il. October 9, 2006.
****I'm so upset I used all those awesome graphics in my last post.

Coward or Separatist

2006-10-06T22:20:00.000-06:00

The full title of this posts was meant to be:
"Coward or Separatist" or How I spent my morning on the phone with the province of Quebec

Earlier this week, I was sent on a mission: I needed to contact counsel for the respondent in a SCC case. Easy enough, I thought. Apparently I was wrong.

First I needed to determine who the counsel was. The case just said "Counsel for the Respondent: City of Montreal", which was hardly sufficient.)
Next stop google. No such luck.
I searched through several Government of Quebec sites (the translate to English button is always in the top right hand corner), but they were as useless as a sixth toe.
I then went searching through the SCC bulletins, finally finding the one listing the individuals responsible for the submissions. 'Eureka!' I thought, 'I know the name of the counsel.' Or not.
I googled the guys name. Nothing.
I searched through the same Quebec Government sites to no avail.
I called the Ministre de la Justice's office. They directed me to the Attorney General's number. The Attorney General's number was a general recording directing me to enter an extension or type in an individuals name. His name could not be found.
I called the "numeros frequemment appeles." They directed me to municipal courts. The municipal courts phone operator did not like English (or me) and gave me a random number to dial. The guy at that number spoke English and transferred me to another number. The recording on that number sounded a lot like the Attorney General recording. This time I pressed 0 right away. I got a secretary. She tried to find contact info for this City of Montreal lawyer. She assured me he didn't exist. She kept looking anyway. She had a conversation in French with someone else. The pages kept being flipped. And then finally: "Do you want his phone number or fax number."
Success. I had a phone number! So I dialed it... and got voice mail.

The moral of the story: I have a new appreciation for the 9 key (which is what one pushes to get English -- that's right, we're relegated to the bottom corner of the key pad), and continuously saying good morning and knowing that each person with whom I spoke was unhappy to have to deal with me in English (except that one guy).

Thursday night is Hockey Night

2006-10-05T23:58:00.000-06:00

Some observations from Rexall:

1) There's something reassuring about Petr Sykora.
2) Apparently Darren McCarty finds Sykora much more compelling, to the point where he went weak in the knees and fell down.
3) Apparently McCarty falling down is a reason to call a tripping penalty against Sykora.

I love hockey karma. When the refs called a silly penalty shot, Roli blocked Iginla; when the refs were only calling penalties against the Oilers, the Flames didn't score; and when McCarty fell down, the Oilers won.

Edited to add: Also, we've discovered the reason that beer is now $7.50: $5.50 for the beer, and $2 for the straw (even if you don't want the straw).

Putting Children in their Place

2006-09-29T00:54:00.000-06:00

Several international protocols and conventions have either petition or complaints handling .*

The Convention on the Rights of the Child does not.**

So is the international world suggesting that a child is meant to be seen and not heard?***

_______________
* For example the Convention against torture, the Optional Protocol to the Convention on elimination of Discrimination Against Women, and the International Convention on the Elimination of all Forms of Racial Discrimination.
** I like footnotes.
*** I wonder if eBay-ing things counts as being seen or being heard.^
_______________
^Depending on which article one reads, the value of the car varies from $16,000 to $17,000 to $18,000.

I Liked the Thimble

2006-09-27T23:58:00.000-06:00

I have hockey tickets to see the Oilers season opener.

Unfortunately that joy has been tainted thanks to Ticketmaster.

It bothers me that Ticketmaster has a monopoly over vending tickets to all events, all of them. Because they have this monopoly, the company has made an executive decision that reasonable customer service is not a sufficiently compelling proposition to be implemented.

It bothers me even more that because of the lack of competition, Ticketmaster has decided that it is reasonable - nay, incumbent upon them - to levy both a service charge (and sometimes a convenience fee) on each and every ticket sold; they are not just charging per transaction and it sure isn't convenient.

I am even further irked by the fact that despite having purchased tickets nearly two weeks ago, I still have not received my tickets in the mail because Ticketmaster has reserved the right to wait.

Now usually my posts come in threes, but Ticketmaster has managed to outdo themselves. Despite the fact that I have not yet received my tickets, and despite the fact that Ticketmaster assessed exorbitant surcharges upon my original ticket price, and despite the inherent lack of helpfulness provided, Ticketmaster had the impudence and audacity to send me a customer satisfaction survey inquiring about my level of satisfaction with their delivery service.

In completely other news, apparently I have a vise, the actual details of its acquisition are still unclear . Sadly, it has apparently been tied up over the last year.

Chutzpah = Audacity + Panache

2006-09-25T23:59:00.000-06:00

I was once told that chutzpah was like reading and enjoying a book in a book store and then not buying a book. This may or may not have been the last page of a book I was reading in a bookstore. The book may or may not have been called "The Optimist sees the Bagel, The Pessimist sees the Hole".

I had an epiphany today.

If audacity is talking back to the Queen of England and panache is epitomized by the scene from Cyrano de Bergerac about how to make fun of a prominent nose, then chutzpah ought to be a combination thereof.

I never said it was a good epiphany.

Go West Young Man

2006-09-20T08:42:00.000-06:00

This is a picture of an actual sign seen in Newfoundland (picture courtesy of Jen's friend).

I understand why a lot of individuals from Newfoundland make their way to Alberta - there is lots of work here, Air Canada now has direct flights to Fort McMurray, and they have a second home in case the Atlantic provinces are eaten by the sea because of global warming.

That said, I think that Alberta should buy Saskatchewan. Our oil is not going to last forever, and when it runs out, we can turn to one of the world's largest deposits of uranium and of potash. Alberta can continue it's resource-centred economy without diversifying. Also, then no one needs to rely solely on Air Canada for direct flights to get from home to work; one could just drive.

Spontaneously Combusting Road-Tripping

2006-09-19T08:24:00.000-06:00

At the beginning of September, Erin, Sean, and I went on a 36-hour road-trip through Rocky Mountain House, the Columbia Icefields, and Jasper National Park. I have apparently spent the last 17 days recuperating. That said, the trip was gorgeous, it was random, and it was very informative:

Curious George is a great traveling companion (even as a substitute for some).
The Holiday Inn Express in Rocky Mount House has the world's greatest view.
The hotel had pillows labeled soft and firm, two of each per bed. (Georgie got one of each.)
Eating at local establishments is a questionable practice - especially if the place is called "The Black Stub".
Having personal problems is apparently a legitimate excuse for a waitress to provide bad service.
Best of luck to Jason and Jessica.
There are 14 churches in Rocky Mountain House. There are less than 6000 people living there.
The one theatre in Rocky Mountain House has signs at the box office that says no alcohol is allowed in the theatre. Before entering the theatre there is a sign indicating that it is last point to dispose of alcohol before entering the theatre. Erin was sad.
Democracy has a different meaning in rural northern BC.
Snakes on a Plane is an awesome movie.
Eating gummy snakes while watching Snakes on a Plane makes it even better.
It is less than an hour from Rocky Mountain House to Nordegg. Honest.
Nordegg is a hole that claims to be a town. They don't allow hunting within town limits, they don't serve alcohol at 9am, and nothing opens before 9:30. That said, next to Edson, Nordegg looks cool.
The David Thompson Adventure Highway is a lot better than anticipated, both in terms of driveability and in terms of fun.
I love my car.
Apparently, waking up at 7am is a valid reason to be drinking at 9am.
There is a bubblegum bug out there somewhere. Alternately, it recently became extinct and I have the remains of the last one on my grill.
Waterfalls are awesome. And ubiquitous. And awesome.
Glaciers are fun. And cold.
Glacier mobiles have tires that are larger than most people.
It's easy to set bad examples for kids. It may also be socially beneficial to do so, survival of the fittest and all that jazz.
Sean can run up the face of mountains.
Parallel parking is fun.
Jasper steal the souls of tourists. And then gives them ice cream.
In a fight between the Crazy Killer Crow and a small child, my money is on the former.
Sean sleeps in car rides.
Even if one has no expectations for Edson, one can be disappointed.
Hostesses for restaurants in Edson do not need to have any concept of time. The best thing about Edson is the fact that they have one semi-competent waitress.

Pictures can be found here, here, and here.

On coveting the Governor's Daughter:

2006-09-17T22:19:00.000-06:00

He wanted to bang her like pots and pans.

EDIT to add: Apparently bonnets and crenaline are no defence.

What's the difference between a pirate and a buccaneer?

2006-09-15T23:51:00.000-06:00

My pirate name is:

Captain Mary Flint

Even though there's no legal rank on a pirate ship, everyone recognizes you're the one in charge. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.

Now to figure out how to dress like a pirate...

On being deplanetized

2006-09-14T23:16:00.000-06:00

Poor Pluto. 76 years in the regular solar system planet line-up only to be demoted and renamed Asteroid 134340. All it took was the discovery of a dwarf planet that has now been named Eris.

Who ever said that size doesn't matter?

Living in this post-yesterday world

2006-09-12T07:36:00.000-06:00

"This year President Bush will be laying wreaths at the Ground Zero site in memory of 9/11, one wreath for each of the towers that was hit." -Some mainstream evening news

You mean two?

What the hell is wrong with reporters these days? Say two.

Two two two two two TWO!

You know who can count to two? A two year old.

I recognize that some people like to commemorate the anniversaries of events to keep the memories alive/to cope/to point out that Galileo was correct about the Earth revolving around the sun and as such a trip around the sun is a big deal, but that doesn't mean they need to be patronized. People can deal with hearing that the number of towers that were hit was two. I don't think anyone forgot.

Smoke and Mirrors

2006-09-11T20:12:00.000-06:00

As a kid, whenever anyone smoked near me, I would cover my nose and mouth with my hands; my parents would be appalled at my rudeness, but the smoker would often butt out. I've never seen any appeal in cigarettes. To be frank, I find them terribly disgusting and repulsive.

That said, I have no problem with people choosing to smoke. If people are allowed to drink beer, eat fois gras, and live in Sherwood Park (yay asthma!), then people should be equally entitled to smoke, if they so choose.

Besides, letting people choose to smoke (provided that they aren't smoking near anyone that does not choose to inhale second hand smoke) can be socially beneficial; smokers pay into pension plans and then die too young to get paid out.

Now to the point of my post. If someone chooses to smoke, that's fine (provided that their doing so does not infringe on someone else's choice to not smoke). If an individual that opts to light up chooses to do so while driving, that is also fine (providing that it does not impair their ability to operate their motor vehicle). If said individual further decides to use the window in lieu of an ashtray, I am not completely opposed (provided that there is no increased danger posed to anyone else). However -and this is the whole thing that irked me enough to make this post- if you are going to smoke, in your car, while driving on the right hand side of the road, and using the window as your ashtray, learn to smoke with your left hand; reaching across your body and the steering wheel with your right arm is stupid, dangerous, and inefficient. In conclusion, smokers should be left-handed or ambidextrous.

Back to learning

2006-09-07T23:12:00.000-06:00

I was discussing my law classes for this semester with my mom. I mentioned that I was taking International Human Rights, to which she responded: "Isn't that a waste of time."

Making Jello Blobs - A how-to guide to making dinner

2006-08-02T22:59:00.000-06:00

1) Procure a box of Jello-type mix.

2) Ensure at least one person in the jello making group is literate. (Guess who the literate one is in this picture.)

3) Follow the instructions on the box. (Essentially add water and stir.)

4) Put the jello into muffin tins and put the trays in the fridge.

5) Remove the jello from the fridge and ensure that it is set.

6) Using a flat object (like a butter knife) trace around the outside of each blob.

7) Flip muffin tray over onto a plate. Shake. Vigorously.

8) Lift the muffin tin off the plate.

9) Using a spoon or eating utensil, enjoy slurping your blobs.

10) Destroy the evidence and create a jello song.

Peanut Butter Chicken Jello Blobs and Duct tape

2006-07-28T23:32:00.000-06:00

1) My trip to Israel got bombed out, so I'm going to Alaska.

2) Another reason I should not be allowed to have kids: I would name one Dragon.

3) While most people tend to keep pictures of their significant other/kids/pets/friends in their wallets, the only picture allowed in mine is of my car.

The war might ruin my vacation

2006-07-18T23:25:00.000-06:00

Stephen Colbert on how to stop the fighting in the Middle East:

There's only one thing that truly unites all of man kind -- the
objectification of women kind.

It's been a while (what a perfect excuse for a stream of consciousness)

2006-07-17T23:31:00.000-06:00

The last month has been interesting. Amidst the sports highlights, the long work hours, and the crazy whether patterns, I've managed to have a delightful (albeit disconnected) time. This last weekend, I went to the Calgary Stampede. In summary:

I saw my first rodeo and chuckwagon races,
bet on the chuckwagon races using BP scoring (I broke on high speaks),
turned into a lobster,
drove through Calgary with an Oilers logo on my window,
watched people go icing,
turned into a lobster,
rode a train,
drank coolers on a balcony with a couple engineers, Erin, and super-awesome-cool-amazing Lexy,
made plans for money we didn't win,
saw OLP live,
saw the British flag flying high,
actually enjoyed sitting on a basement floor for a few hours,
fed cows,
laughed at Erin feeding cows,
drank beer in a park in the dark with only tiki torches for light,
went on a boat ride,
laughed at the engineers that were trying to heat a portable hot tub that was filled with cold water by using a pump to run water through a tube through a fire and back in (with a minimal of tubing through the fire - what happened to maximizing surface area),
caught up with old friends,
discussed the differences between a stroller, pram, and carriage,
saw a windmill,
didn't take the salamander,
laughed at the talking tree (which may or may not have been a passed out drunk guy speaking from under the tree),
twizzlers,
laughed at Erin for only burning her nose,
condemned a man for having a weak handshake ("it's all about the web to web connection") [aside: if anyone knows the guy, could they please pass alongmy sincere apology],
got a cowboy hat (although, unlike Erin's, it doesn't match my shoes),
had good breakfasts,
established several driving relationships (it's ok for cars to flirt),
and attained blackmail photos.

All in all it was pretty awesome.

However, after such a relaxing trip, my next trip to the world's oldest newest war zone might not be so fun. It's a good thing I have a nice bomb shelter waiting.

Speaking of current events, I was watching the news coverage of Bush and Blair speaking candidly while the microphone was still on. I learned that in the US the TV stations are required to bleep out the part where Bush told Blair that Syria just needs to "get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit." Oddly enough, the CTV online article does bleep it out.

Worst line of commentary ever

2006-06-18T22:06:00.000-06:00

"Even though the Prime Minister of Canada was in the audience, the Oilers playing was anything but Conservative."

The stars were bright, Fernando

2006-06-14T23:54:00.000-06:00

GO OILERS!

YAY!!!!!!

There is something magical about overtime in playoff hockey, especially in the Stanley Cup final. Overtime, especially a short-handed deciding goal in overtime, has an ability to shift momentum in a way that an ordinary win or loss would not; it has the ability to inspire hope that has been written off more times than the Mexican national debt (sorry, but a brilliant line of sports commentary deserves to be repeated).

I felt so bad for Matt Green when he went back to the bench after Carolina scored on a power play opportunity created by the hooking penalty he took. The poor guy looked devastated. You could see him being consoled at the bench, but he barely saw anymore ice time (and not just because Pronger was on for 33 minutes). But things worked out in the end.

There is also something to be said about hockey karma. In game 3, a gorgeous goal by Moreau was not allowed (for legitimate but heart-breaking reasons). When Brind'amour scored a goal to tie the game, it felt wrong, but in the end, the Oilers ended up winning on a controversial (but legitimate) goal. Karma.

Likewise, the 3rd goal that Carolina scored in today's game 5 reminded me of the disallowed Moreau goal. There were a few long seconds when there was no way that the ref could have seen the puck (unless Mr. McGeough purchased x-ray glasses to avoid further comparisons with an animated character with a similar name); however, unlike in game 3, the goal was allowed. However in the end, the Oilers got a break and got a gorgeous goal. Once again, karma.

The fact that Pisani's short-handed overtime goal made history (first short-handed goal in overtime of the Stanley Cup finals), is just extra karma to compensate for the thuggish nature of certain Carolina players, the terrible penalty call against Staios, and the lucky coin that Carolina had placed under centre ice.

There is something very satisfying to see a crop of cane-iacs being silenced and Stanley being returned to his box. [In general, I have mixed feelings about Stanley Cup contenders coming from cities that do not know ice. However, it seems absolutely absurd to have NHL hockey still being played in a city that is experiencing a real hurricane during hurricane season.]

Finally, since I recognize that as of late this blog has become a collection of random thoughts about recent sport matches. As such, on a completely unrelated note, here's the best line of television I heard today: "They should call you Chad, because you're leaving me hanging."

OILERS They're DYNAMITE!

2006-06-10T21:20:00.000-06:00

T&T They're DYNAMITE!

2006-06-10T00:02:00.000-06:00

Ever since 1994, when my cousins got me hooked because of their infectious Brazilian fever, I've been following the Fifa World Cup. In fact, 4 years ago, a soccer injury enabled me to adjust my sleep schedule to watch even more of the World Cup as a means of recovering from the surgery.

So far this year has been fantastic, producing its first exciting 0-0 result. By 10 minutes into their game I was already a huge supporter of the Soca Warriors. This team, from a country of 1.1 million, is one of six debutants to this year's ball game and they have already exceeded my expectations. This team bikes to their games, the other team had possession of the ball 60% of the time, and their starting goalie was injured pre-game; yet their back-up goalie, Shaka, shone. (I hope this bodes well for back-up goalies playing sports today, GO OILERS!) Even though the Warriors spent half of the game down one man because of a red card, they didn't quit. Group B is about to get very interesting.

I don't know how some of those Swedish shots didn't go in. I don't think I've ever seen a team so happy about a game where they didn't even score. And I don't think I've ever enjoyed a line of commentary as much as this one: "The hopes of Trinidad and Tobago have been written off more times than the Mexican national debt."

Now on to cheering for the two teams in the "house of death" that both wear orange (or Oranje, I suppose). Other than when they play each other.

Sober Second Thought

2006-06-05T21:06:00.000-06:00

I hope Roli gets better.

Recall that scene in Men with Brooms, where the good guys burned a stone in the last end of the championship game; the crazy reptilian juggernaut told them to retake the shot because he didn't want to win by default.

Completely unrelated: I renew my abject disgust for Brind'amour. I just don't like the goon. Dirty bastard. Even if his first goal was pretty.

My heart just broke

2006-06-05T21:04:00.000-06:00

What a terrible way to lose a game.

I'm going to go cry in the corner.

Living in a Statistician's Paradise

2006-06-04T15:27:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year where a lot of sport seasons are winding up, which means playoffs. To me, one of the dominant characteristics of any playoff is the increased discussion of statistics, most noticeably in attempting to find a trend that can be used as a conclusive predictor for games.

While I don't think that there is a magical statistic that can conclusively predict the outcome of any given game, it is fun to play with numbers. As such, I've found my own little NHL statistic that has kept me quite amused: In this year's NHL playoffs, the team that took the most number of games in the last series to advance has won their next series. In other words, the team that has had the shortest break since their last series has proceeded to win their next series. Allow me to illustrate:

The Oilers took 6 games to advance against Detroit (advancing May 1st), while the Sharks took 5 games to advance against Nashville (advancing April 30th). In this match-up, the Oilers won.
The Mighty Ducks took 7 games to advance against Calgary (advancing May 3rd), while the Avs took 5 games to advance against Dallas (advancing April 30th). In this match-up, the Ducks won.
The Sabers took 6 games to advance against Philadelphia (advancing May 2nd), while the Sens took 5 games to advance against Tampa Bay (advancing April 29th). In this match-up, the Sabers won.
The Hurricanes took 6 games to advance against Montreal (advancing May 2nd), while the Devils took 4 games to advance against New York (advancing April 29th). In this match-up, the Hurricanes won.
The Oilers took 6 games to advance against San Jose (advancing May 17th), while the Ducks took 4 games to advance against Colorado (advancing May 11th). In this match-up, the Oilers won.
The Hurricanes and the Sabers each took 5 games to advance against New Jersey and Ottawa, respectively (they had each also taken 6 games in their first series), however, Buffalo advanced on May 13th, while Carolina didn't advance until May 14th. In this match-up, the Hurricanes won.

So it seems that while teams want rest, rest is actually bad for their success.

That said, since statistics should not be 100% accurate, this trend should be broken for the Stanley Cup finals.

GO OILERS!

Edited to add: Roli is doing awesome, Brind'amour is dirty, and Maggie the Monkey just picked the Oilers!

Stolen Material

2006-05-31T22:43:00.000-06:00

Want to hear a good joke?

Women's rights.

In an unrelated story, at work, my boss was talking about some woman and called her a "broad." He then turned to me and apologized for using that term. He didn't apologize because he thought it was a bad thing to say, rather he thought that it was inappropriate to use around other women. I'm confused.

A Grammatical Note to Gwen Stefani

2006-05-23T21:04:00.001-06:00

I do not often indulge in these internet quizzes, let alone post the results. However, I will make an exception here because I have always aspired to be a grammar deity of sorts (or at least since I met Tinna).

How grammatically correct are you?

You are a GRAMMAR GOD!

Congratulations! If your mission in life is not already to preserve the English tongue, it should be. You can smell a grammatical inaccuracy from fifty yards. Your speech is revered by the underlings, though some may blaspheme and call you a snob. They're just jealous. Go out there and change the world.
Take this quiz!

Also:
GO OILERS!!!

YAY!!!

Roli! Roli!

2006-05-19T22:31:00.000-06:00

In 2 games, 5 goals for and only 1 goal against (and it was scored by an Oiler).

GO OILERS!!!

Now I'm really an Albertan!

2006-05-18T22:03:00.000-06:00

I drove a truck for the first time ever today!

Twice!

Now to work on getting my neck a little red.

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyabba-dabba-doooooooo!!!!!

2006-05-17T21:26:00.000-06:00

I started a new job last week working at an oil refinery doing payroll type stuff for a company that is in charge of a construction project on site. It turns out that there is a loud horn that sounds to signify start time, the beginning and end of lunch time, and the end of the day, just like on the Flinstones!

The people with whom I work are pretty awesome. Which is good. Especially when one reads about the experiences of others. On that note, I highly recommend checking out this blog about a terribly unbearable co-worker. It's delightfully petty and a fun read.

In the spirit of the title of this post:
GO OILERS!!!!!!!!!

YAY!!!!!!!!!

Like Zebras and Duct tape and Peanut Butter Sandwiches

2006-05-12T23:11:00.000-06:00

There are a lot of things happening in the world: Iran is a mess; Sri Lanka moves closer to a civil war with the latest outbreak of violence; and the Oilers came back from being down 2 goals to score 5 unanswered ones (will that be symbolic of what happens in the series? Will more pucks go soaring through the air to land on the stick of an oilers? Will people stop calling Whyte Ave the blue mile?).

But rather than discussing those issues, it's time for a formulaic post. Having discussed issues that actually interest me, I resist analysis by ensuring they remain in a list (of 3, as per usual). I will change the topic, I will make mention of something well-known or mundane or trivial, and I will then make a qualifying comment about the initial topic, which I will use as a segue into a random piece of news that sparked my attention, but does not necessarily stand alone.

I have a sister.
Her name is Debra.
Hi Debra!
She is studying architecture.

According to an architect on a documentary on CBC, apparently Canadian architecture is cutting edge. The Canadian pavilion at some architecture thing (10th International Architecture Exhibition) is SweaterLodge. Basically, the concept is dressing a pavilion in a giant orange fleece.

Apparently, Canada is all about our fleece.

Once the project is done, the fleece will be recycled into scarves and mittens. Finally Canada can clothe an entire third world country in orange fleece. I wonder if it cures hunger.

Broken dreams

2006-05-06T00:25:00.000-06:00

At first it was assumed impossible.
Then it was considered just unlikely. At least right away.
Then Edmonton overcame all odds and it was expected.
Until Calgary ruined it.
No battle of Alberta and the Oilers have to play a real team.

And the Clio goes to...

2006-05-03T10:48:00.000-06:00

I went to see the World's Best Commercials (a summary of the Clio award winners) at the Garneau. Most of the ads were pretty good and I remember thinking during some of the silver-medal ads 'what could beat this?' Then the gold ones started and I thought 'why was I so impressed with silver?' If we had ads like these on TV, people might channel surf to see the commercials instead of to avoid seeing them.

There was one particular commercial that stood out. The commercial was called "Heart Attacks" and it was advertising for Bonjour Paris French School. (Go to this link to see it, it's worth it.) There was French music in the background, and a voice in French which had been subtitled in English said:

In Japan, very little fat is eaten and the heart attack rate is lower than in the USA.
In France, a lot of fat is eaten and the heart attack rate is lower than in the USA.
In India, very little red wine is drunk and the heart attack rate is lower than in the USA.
In Spain, a lot of red wine is drunk and the heart attack rate is lower than in the USA.
In Brazil people have much more sex than in Algeria.
And the heart attack rate in both countries is lower than in the USA.
In other words:
Drink.
Eat.
Have sex as much as you like.
What can kill you
is speaking English.

Pisani and Hemsky made squid-lovers sad

2006-05-02T12:35:00.000-06:00

I had been meaning to post about being done my first year of law school.
I had also thought to post about my wonderful 36 hour birthday celebration.
Not to mention my best intentions to discuss karma.
But who cares about all of that now.

OILERS WON!!!!!!!!!
Being at Game 6 was AMAZING!!!!!!!!
So loud! So awesome!
So many people chanting "Let's go Oilers! Calgary sucks!"

Mom (An M I never thought I'd blog about)

2006-04-24T19:27:00.000-06:00

It has come to my attention that my mom has found my blog.

Hi mom!

My mom is a really awesome person. She is smart, she is articulate, and she makes really good cookies... occasionally for people's birthdays... sometimes they're oatmeal chocolate chip... hint hint...

Last week she had Oprah on TV. It was bugging me (as that show is wont to do), so:

Me: I'm changing this.
Mom: Don't you care about what these people have gone through?
Me: Hell no.
Mom: Ok just checking.

Fair enough, no problem, I put on something better.

Then, about half an hour later we were watching the news. There was a story about these two people who had just moved into their first place, an apartment-type place. Prior to that, the two of them were homeless, spending cold nights in recycle bins. Basically one of those hard luck stories reminiscent of Oprah. I turn to my mom:

Me: Look at those poor people.
Mom: What are they complaining about? Those recycle bins looked pretty comfortable.

I loved the irony.

I'm also convinced my mom has watched a few too many design TV shows; the clean lines, bright colours, and opening sun roof must have gotten to her.

As well, I had gotten through the level 1 guilt trip -- the "I don't really care if you do it, I'm just making sure you're sure you want to do so because my indifference will otherwise prevail" level. [It's much less difficult than level three "that is like a nail in my coffin" level or the bonus "I actually do care but I don't want you to think I care so I'm making it seem like a guilt trip to get my way" level.]

So in summary, my mom is lots of awesome, watches weird TV shows, and is not nearly as big on the guilt trips as this post might suggest.

Have a good day at work!

In other news, I'm more than half done exams. I definitely did well on the defamation section of my torts exam. It wasn't even about bananas or conspiracies.

Edited to add: I love playoff hockey, but how do two teams blow three point leads within an hour or so of each other? Now back to cheering for 7s over 2s.

Mind-numbing. Yet another familiar M

2006-04-21T12:24:00.000-06:00

I have started to measure success in number of pages done relative to number of pages remaining.

But it doesn't matter, because I have a ticket to an Oilers home game!

M is also for morbidity

2006-04-16T19:48:00.000-06:00

Antifreeze.

It's a useful fluid.

It can:

act as a coolant to keep cars running,
solve the problem of ~10,000 cats and dogs that weren't treated to the Price is Right special (it might even be a cure for the show's host), and
reduce the number of people standing around the water cooler...
because they would rather be drinking what looks like a very yummy drink. That makes everything much less morbid, right? Especially since I did not make an allusion to Jonestown (bonus points to anyone that helped mix the no name brand kool-aid for the SU elections).

Antifreeze may also have been the inspiration for the poison awareness week banner in this picture. This banner, which was hanging over a main street in Halifax three years ago, reads: Children act fast... so do Poisons.

I'm not sure why poison awareness requires a week. It seems to me that people should either always beware of poison, or it should be a one day awareness thing. My suggestion would be November 18 (bonus points if you get the reference), or if the concern is poison being a contributing factor but not the cause of death then December 16-17 or July 3 (yet more bonus points for trivia-l knowledge).

Today's post is brought to you be the letter M

2006-04-15T10:51:00.000-06:00

So while "diligently studying" I came across an interesting statistic: the top 5 winning goalies in the NHL have short first names that start with the letter M (Miikka, Marty, Martin, Martin, and Manny).

Maybe Roloson should change his name to Mwayne for the playoffs. (yay! we made the playoffs.)

As well, on a tangentially related thought, the word morals starts with an M. This week I discovered that I have a moral. It keeps my feeling company.

Schadenfreude, however, does not start with an M. Oh well. Serves the Canucks right, anyway.

Paper or plastic?

2006-04-07T20:11:00.000-06:00

2 days, 2 restaurants, 2 meals that had a piece of plastic in them. Ick.

As my grandma would say "There's something odd going on in the beanery industry."

In other news, Disneyland/LA pictures and debate pictures are posted.

While you were in class

2006-04-04T22:52:00.000-06:00

This weekend, I was at the US BP Debate Championships near LA. It was an amazing trip.

Erin and I got in late Thursday night, had free wine and went to sleep. The alarm went off at 6:15 Friday morning, and I was intending to press snooze, but Erin was sitting awake in her bed drinking coffee in the dark. The second I woke up she nearly jumped out of bed: "I woke up at 5 am because I just couldn't sleep I was too excited, so I showered and I made coffee and DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!!!!" Clearly, I wasn't given 5 more minutes, but it was worth it.

We spent nearly 17 hours in Disneyland, and it was amazing. The rides, the fireworks, the fact that a mom actually told her kid "crying isn't allowed in Disneyland."

Jones met up with us part way through the day and we quickly discovered that he doesn't like roller coasters. And then as the rides were about to close, we went on Splash Mountain and Jones got soaked (served him right since Erin and I had gotten drenched on the Grizzly Bear Run the 4 times we went on it, while Jones didn't), then we had ice cream.

The debate tournament itself was tons of fun. Most of the topics (and the debates) were interesting, Ashish and I did really well, and now I am the owner of a tacky trophy that reads "US Universities Debate Championships 2006." As well, some of the most memorable debate rounds ever, but not necessarily for the right reason.

Even thought the hotel (and I use the term loosely) we were staying at wasn't all that nice, we had room parties both Saturday and Sunday night. The evenings were fantastic and included a human pyramid, a rock-paper-scissor competition, and dancing karaoke.

Then on Monday, Erin and I got to drive around LA a bit until our flight. It felt nice to be lunching on Sunset strip, driving down Rodeo Drive, using valet parking for the first time ever, visiting the 3 story Tiffany's & Co., seeing the Avenue of the Stars, and coming to appreciate LA drivers instead of being in LRW.

Pictures and the page of quotes to come shortly.

Dear Law Students, it's pronounced "Whale"

2006-03-26T11:55:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that this blog has been discovered by some of my classmates. Welcome law students. In order to make this humble blog more inviting, here are a few recent law school references:

On how Aboriginal rights are defined: "Chief Bob ran into Whitey last week. Now we're stuck."

On the problems with the decision in Peter v. Beblow: "This decision is like the episode of South Park with the underpants gnomes. . . . Step 1: Detrimental reliance, Step 2. Question mark, Step 3. Unjust Enrichment."

On buying professors drinks: "So Stephanie, what goes into a Pornstar?"

As well, it has come to my attention that I have offended Ian, a class mate of mine. Apparently, Ian did not want his drunken identity to be left anonymous when I wrote this post. (I guess that should be no surprise, since he has spent more hours in Scholars over the last 3 weekdays than he spent in class in the last three weeks combined.) To make it up to him, Ian asked that I tell a story about him so that he could google himself and find something interesting.

Yesterday, Ian was playing pool. Off of the break, the other team didn't sink anything, so on her turn, Ian's partner sank a solid. The other team sunk a stripe or two, and then it was Ian's turn. He looked at the table. He decided on a shot, lined it up and sank the 8-ball. He then tried to continue playing because, after all, the 8-ball is a non-striped ball, therefore it must have been a solid. Fastest game of pool ever.

To those that understand both instances where "it's pronounced whale" applies, you can comparison shop for full length mirrors here or here.

Edited to add: Brokeback mooting

Success!

2006-03-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

After 5 failed attempts throughout the week, 5 different people helping to push my car, and lots of spinning tires, last night I managed to drive my car into the garage without any difficulties.

I am glad to see that I have high standards for success.

Re child labour: If it can support its head it can support itself

2006-03-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

It seems that talking can get me into trouble. In order to avoid trouble, I'm going to recount one of my friend's stories instead:

A number of years ago, my friend worked at a mental hospital that had two patients that thought they were Jesus. On Christmas, one Jesus started singing "happy birthday to me." The other Jesus said "shut-up, it's my birthday!" and punched the first Jesus. They got into a fight, which is weird, because you wouldn't think that Jesus would be like that. In the end, the staff had to sedate them both.

In other news, this week, I was not the most soul-less person in law school.

I guess it's better than "have a nice life"

2006-03-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

Today may have redeemed itself from the following exchange:

She: I'm going to miss you.
He: I am heavily sedated.

Tinna, I'm sorry your gift is late. Thanks for the postcard.

Can't you just envision a bunch of seals in a night club?

2006-03-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

I've heard there has been a big kafuffle about stopping seal clubbing in Canada. There have even been celebrities (namely Paul McCartney and Heather Mills) coming to Canada to raise awareness of the cause.

[I'm not quite sure if their cause is to let people know that Canadian geography is difficult (PEI, "New Finlend" and Labrador -- same thing, right?), to prove that seals are vicious, biting little buggers, or that less than 10% of seals that are killed are clubbed (the rest are shot).]

So I decided to look into the issue. In all fairness I managed to avoid most of the media hullabaloo, so my investigation was rather shallow.* Instead, I did conducted a brief, informal poll.**

It seems that almost all of those surveyed would consider seal-helmets a disincentive to club seals.

So if Paul McCartney and Heather Mills really cared (or if people do not want seals to be clubbed), they ought to be proactive and make them cute little seal helmets. [I would suggest cute blue ones, like the ones the UN uses.] Alternately, if seals do not like being clubbed, they should do something about it themselves; survival of the fittest and all.***

*It may or may not have encompassed recalling Tinna telling me that some people in Britain associate Canadians with seal clubbing.
**It may or may not have had a sample size of 5.
***No seals were harmed in the making of this post, despite my lack of photoshopping skills. As well, there is a ban against killing the cute white-fur baby seals, so only the less cute adult harp seals are killed (occasionally by clubbing).

Connect the synapses

2006-03-09T00:41:00.000-07:00

Some thoughts that are all connected somehow:

1) My heart was shattered recently. I discovered that excel is not in fact infallible.
Why excel? Why have you forsaken me? I do not like being forsook.

2) My shattered heart hearts Jon Stewart.
I may have missed the first half of the Oscars, but that doesn't mean I can't wish he was 20 years younger.
[aside: why do both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert use blue paper for their notes?]

3) I hope people like green prosperity cloths.
Apparently the only thing more dangerous than drinking and dialing is watching TV in a group and dialing.

Only in Alberta

2006-03-02T00:08:00.000-07:00

So my premier threw a book at a page, in the legislature, while it was in session, during a speech by the leader of the opposition.

Maybe his popularity will even go up, like when he threw coins at people in a homeless shelter.

Shoes can't drive themselves around, can they?

2006-02-27T21:43:00.000-07:00

In lieu of posting on something substantial, topical, or personal, I'd like to take a moment to comment on a pressing and irking matter.

While driving today, I saw a shoe on the highway.

Again.

This shoe-on-road phenomenon seems to be fairly wide-spread, and I cannot figure out why.

How often does someone, while driving, feel the urge to pull off their shoe (or lean over and pull off their passenger's shoe) and eject it from their car? And wouldn't that be dangerous? Similarly, no passenger that I have ever driven has grabbed their shoe (nor my shoe for that matter) while driving and thrown it out the window. As well, in this post-9/11 world, how often do footwear fights actually break out while a vehicle is driving?

Or is this phenomenon indicative of some new form of road rage? Are people trying to throw projectiles to hit other vehicles that cut them off or offend them in some other manner? Or are there that many Khrushchev-philes running around with an extra shoe? (Bonus points to anyone that gets the reference.)

Do you remember where you were when...

2006-02-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

In Newfoundland and Labrador, classes are being cancelled to enable all students in the province to watch the Olympic Men's Curling Final. The Minister of Education wants students there to be proud of their local athletes, to be proud of their province's accomplishment (note the lack of plural), and to watch the world honour the curlers from their province.

Insert creative analysis here.

(Wow I'm getting lazy.)

Torinomania

2006-02-15T19:52:00.000-07:00

I love watching the Olympics; however that detracts from my work.

I also love semi-colons; however, I've been told that unfortunately they, too, detract from my work.

Sounds like a bad lawyer joke

2006-02-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

It's not every day that the Vice-President of the USA shoots someone. Well at least not personally.

This creates a huge dilemma: which late night show should I be watching tonight for the best coverage?

Trespassers will be shot. Those who survive will be shot again.

2006-02-12T23:21:00.000-07:00

Law school seems to make people into alcoholics. For example, me and some of my classmates were at Scholars for 12.5 hours on Friday. One of these classmates didn't even make it to classes in the morning; he woke up in time to head over to the bar and left the bar to head home to bed.

While at Scholars, one of my friends showed up with a story that sounds like something that can only happen in the movies. My friend was in court on Friday arguing a case for Student Legal Services. She won her first trial a couple weeks ago and this was her second trial ever. She put a lot of work into preparing for the case; she had her arguments and knew what she was going to do. However, she wasn't completely familiar with all the court procedures, like when to rise and when to sit, but she figured she could just follow the crown's lead. That is, until the crown wheeled in in a wheelchair.