Stolen Material

Want to hear a good joke?

Women's rights.

In an unrelated story, at work, my boss was talking about some woman and called her a "broad." He then turned to me and apologized for using that term. He didn't apologize because he thought it was a bad thing to say, rather he thought that it was inappropriate to use around other women. I'm confused.

A Grammatical Note to Gwen Stefani

I do not often indulge in these internet quizzes, let alone post the results. However, I will make an exception here because I have always aspired to be a grammar deity of sorts (or at least since I met Tinna).

How grammatically correct are you?

You are a GRAMMAR GOD!

Congratulations! If your mission in life is not already to preserve the English tongue, it should be. You can smell a grammatical inaccuracy from fifty yards. Your speech is revered by the underlings, though some may blaspheme and call you a snob. They're just jealous. Go out there and change the world.
Take this quiz!

Also:
GO OILERS!!!

YAY!!!

Roli! Roli!

In 2 games, 5 goals for and only 1 goal against (and it was scored by an Oiler).

GO OILERS!!!

Now I'm really an Albertan!

I drove a truck for the first time ever today!

Twice!

Now to work on getting my neck a little red.

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyabba-dabba-doooooooo!!!!!

I started a new job last week working at an oil refinery doing payroll type stuff for a company that is in charge of a construction project on site. It turns out that there is a loud horn that sounds to signify start time, the beginning and end of lunch time, and the end of the day, just like on the Flinstones!

The people with whom I work are pretty awesome. Which is good. Especially when one reads about the experiences of others. On that note, I highly recommend checking out this blog about a terribly unbearable co-worker. It's delightfully petty and a fun read.

In the spirit of the title of this post:
GO OILERS!!!!!!!!!

YAY!!!!!!!!!

Broken dreams

At first it was assumed impossible.
Then it was considered just unlikely. At least right away.
Then Edmonton overcame all odds and it was expected.
Until Calgary ruined it.
No battle of Alberta and the Oilers have to play a real team.

And the Clio goes to...

I went to see the World's Best Commercials (a summary of the Clio award winners) at the Garneau. Most of the ads were pretty good and I remember thinking during some of the silver-medal ads 'what could beat this?' Then the gold ones started and I thought 'why was I so impressed with silver?' If we had ads like these on TV, people might channel surf to see the commercials instead of to avoid seeing them.

There was one particular commercial that stood out. The commercial was called "Heart Attacks" and it was advertising for Bonjour Paris French School. (Go to this link to see it, it's worth it.) There was French music in the background, and a voice in French which had been subtitled in English said:

In Japan, very little fat is eaten and the heart attack rate is lower than in the USA.
In France, a lot of fat is eaten and the heart attack rate is lower than in the USA.
In India, very little red wine is drunk and the heart attack rate is lower than in the USA.
In Spain, a lot of red wine is drunk and the heart attack rate is lower than in the USA.
In Brazil people have much more sex than in Algeria.
And the heart attack rate in both countries is lower than in the USA.

In other words:
Drink.
Eat.
Have sex as much as you like.
What can kill you
is speaking English.

Pisani and Hemsky made squid-lovers sad

I had been meaning to post about being done my first year of law school.
I had also thought to post about my wonderful 36 hour birthday celebration.
Not to mention my best intentions to discuss karma.
But who cares about all of that now.

OILERS WON!!!!!!!!!
Being at Game 6 was AMAZING!!!!!!!!
So loud! So awesome!
So many people chanting "Let's go Oilers! Calgary sucks!"

Mom (An M I never thought I'd blog about)

It has come to my attention that my mom has found my blog.

Hi mom!

My mom is a really awesome person. She is smart, she is articulate, and she makes really good cookies... occasionally for people's birthdays... sometimes they're oatmeal chocolate chip... hint hint...

Last week she had Oprah on TV. It was bugging me (as that show is wont to do), so:

Me: I'm changing this.
Mom: Don't you care about what these people have gone through?
Me: Hell no.
Mom: Ok just checking.

Fair enough, no problem, I put on something better.

Then, about half an hour later we were watching the news. There was a story about these two people who had just moved into their first place, an apartment-type place. Prior to that, the two of them were homeless, spending cold nights in recycle bins. Basically one of those hard luck stories reminiscent of Oprah. I turn to my mom:

Me: Look at those poor people.
Mom: What are they complaining about? Those recycle bins looked pretty comfortable.

I loved the irony.

I'm also convinced my mom has watched a few too many design TV shows; the clean lines, bright colours, and opening sun roof must have gotten to her.

As well, I had gotten through the level 1 guilt trip -- the "I don't really care if you do it, I'm just making sure you're sure you want to do so because my indifference will otherwise prevail" level. [It's much less difficult than level three "that is like a nail in my coffin" level or the bonus "I actually do care but I don't want you to think I care so I'm making it seem like a guilt trip to get my way" level.]

So in summary, my mom is lots of awesome, watches weird TV shows, and is not nearly as big on the guilt trips as this post might suggest.

Have a good day at work!

In other news, I'm more than half done exams. I definitely did well on the defamation section of my torts exam. It wasn't even about bananas or conspiracies.

Edited to add: I love playoff hockey, but how do two teams blow three point leads within an hour or so of each other? Now back to cheering for 7s over 2s.

Mind-numbing. Yet another familiar M

I have started to measure success in number of pages done relative to number of pages remaining.

But it doesn't matter, because I have a ticket to an Oilers home game!

Today's post is brought to you be the letter M

So while "diligently studying" I came across an interesting statistic: the top 5 winning goalies in the NHL have short first names that start with the letter M (Miikka, Marty, Martin, Martin, and Manny).

Maybe Roloson should change his name to Mwayne for the playoffs. (yay! we made the playoffs.)

As well, on a tangentially related thought, the word morals starts with an M. This week I discovered that I have a moral. It keeps my feeling company.

Schadenfreude, however, does not start with an M. Oh well. Serves the Canucks right, anyway.

Paper or plastic?

2 days, 2 restaurants, 2 meals that had a piece of plastic in them. Ick.

As my grandma would say "There's something odd going on in the beanery industry."

In other news, Disneyland/LA pictures and debate pictures are posted.

Success!

After 5 failed attempts throughout the week, 5 different people helping to push my car, and lots of spinning tires, last night I managed to drive my car into the garage without any difficulties.

I am glad to see that I have high standards for success.

I guess it's better than "have a nice life"

Today may have redeemed itself from the following exchange:

She: I'm going to miss you.
He: I am heavily sedated.

Tinna, I'm sorry your gift is late. Thanks for the postcard.

Connect the synapses

Some thoughts that are all connected somehow:

1) My heart was shattered recently. I discovered that excel is not in fact infallible.
Why excel? Why have you forsaken me? I do not like being forsook.

2) My shattered heart hearts Jon Stewart.
I may have missed the first half of the Oscars, but that doesn't mean I can't wish he was 20 years younger.
[aside: why do both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert use blue paper for their notes?]

3) I hope people like green prosperity cloths.
Apparently the only thing more dangerous than drinking and dialing is watching TV in a group and dialing.

Only in Alberta

So my premier threw a book at a page, in the legislature, while it was in session, during a speech by the leader of the opposition.

Maybe his popularity will even go up, like when he threw coins at people in a homeless shelter.

Shoes can't drive themselves around, can they?

In lieu of posting on something substantial, topical, or personal, I'd like to take a moment to comment on a pressing and irking matter.

While driving today, I saw a shoe on the highway.

Again.

This shoe-on-road phenomenon seems to be fairly wide-spread, and I cannot figure out why.

How often does someone, while driving, feel the urge to pull off their shoe (or lean over and pull off their passenger's shoe) and eject it from their car? And wouldn't that be dangerous? Similarly, no passenger that I have ever driven has grabbed their shoe (nor my shoe for that matter) while driving and thrown it out the window. As well, in this post-9/11 world, how often do footwear fights actually break out while a vehicle is driving?

Or is this phenomenon indicative of some new form of road rage? Are people trying to throw projectiles to hit other vehicles that cut them off or offend them in some other manner? Or are there that many Khrushchev-philes running around with an extra shoe? (Bonus points to anyone that gets the reference.)

Do you remember where you were when...

In Newfoundland and Labrador, classes are being cancelled to enable all students in the province to watch the Olympic Men's Curling Final. The Minister of Education wants students there to be proud of their local athletes, to be proud of their province's accomplishment (note the lack of plural), and to watch the world honour the curlers from their province.

Insert creative analysis here.

(Wow I'm getting lazy.)

Torinomania

I love watching the Olympics; however that detracts from my work.

I also love semi-colons; however, I've been told that unfortunately they, too, detract from my work.

Sounds like a bad lawyer joke

It's not every day that the Vice-President of the USA shoots someone. Well at least not personally.

This creates a huge dilemma: which late night show should I be watching tonight for the best coverage?

Over tea and a Suduko

I was talking to my mom today.

Out of no where she mentions "I think I have a solution to the whole health care problem."

However, she refuses to quit her day job.

Mondays - A waste of one seventh of your life

I used to have the (perhaps unfounded) notion that Mondays were the worst day of the week. Maybe the title of "Black Monday" is giving this weekday a bad name, or perhaps the fact that after every "Bloody Sunday" people have to awake the next morning to a Monday of cleaning, disinfecting, and despair. Or maybe it's the fact that I like sleeping in and enjoying weekends and Mondays are the first non-weekend day of the week.

But today I realized Mondays can be good too. I came home this afternoon to find my living-in-Alberta cheque (proof that while money may not grow on trees it seems to come from the ground). Furthermore, the National Post now has three suduko puzzles a day instead of one. As well, I had strawberries with my dinner and they did not talk back.

All in all, today made me realize that Mondays aren't the problem, rather the problem is Tuesdays, they're the worst sort of Mondays.

Emergency Rations

I go out to dinner with my grandparents on a regular basis. If there are candies at the end that no one takes, my grandmother will take them (or tell me to take them) and explain that they should be put them away for emergency rations. While in general I think wasting candy is bad, I'm guessing this is a habit left over from living through a great war.

I guess having dined with my grandmother so frequently, her mentality has rubbed off on me. While traveling through Ireland, Erin and I always made sure that we had emergency rations.

Random fact: the orange Fanta in Ireland tastes a million times better than the orange Fanta in London. (I have no idea how the English ruined Fanta, but the stuff in London tasted awful.)

Pop quiz hot shot

Having booked tickets to Vancouver, Ottawa, and LA, my VISA bill is substantially longer and my sense of logic, which I maintain does exist, is slightly offended. Since everyone must endure equal slights to their sense of logic, I'll share my findings in the form of a multiple choice quiz.

1. If you reside in Edmonton, should it cost less to fly to LA or Ottawa?
a) Ottawa, it's the nation's capital and it's in the same country.
b) They should be the same, they're about equidistant.
c) LA, it's the illogical choice, just like Air Canada.
d) Flin Flon

Correct answer: B

2. Should the difference in cost be >$100?
a) No, that would be silly!
b) Yes, it's the illogical choice, just like Air Canada.
c) Flin Flon
d) Maybe

Correct answer: C

3. How much more should it cost to fly from Edmonton to LA than from Edmonton to Vancouver?
a) $300+, the time of travel is 4 times longer to LA than to Vancouver.
b) $200-299, after all, you have to connect in Vancouver (or somewhere) to fly to LA.
c) $100-199, but you can't complain it's a lot cheaper than going to Flin Flon.
d) <$100, it's the illogical choice, just like Air Canada. Correct answer: D

If none of the correct answers seemed illogical to you, I hear Air Canada is hiring.

If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet

It is my understanding that for every vote cast, the party selected on said ballot gets $1.75 (providing that party gets a certain percentage of the overall vote, etc.). It is also to my understanding that said contribution comes from taxpayers.

So, does that mean that if there is a lower voter turnout (or a substantial amount of spoiled ballots), that less money will be distributed to the parties? I'm hoping that someone who knows better about these things might enlighten me.

Rexall wrecks all

It's January.

The ice in Rexall Place still reads "Thank You Fans."

Did I mention that it's January?

At least it's only written in English, rather than having the French translation as well.

In Transit

Ireland was awesome.

Here is a view of Dublin at night, on the River Liffey.


Some quick lessons I learned:

1. In countries where they don't have fountain pop, getting a hi-ball means paying for the alcohol and the bottle of pop, which means one prohibitively expensive drink.
2. It is fun residing at the break hotel. Especially when you don't break.
3. The tallest building in Dublin is the Guinness tower. The Guinness factory is also the subject of a 6000 year lease.
4. The oldest pub location in Dublin existed before Canada was discovered. One can sign currency and put them on the walls of the modern pub that stands next to the remains of the original pub.
5. White shoes are never a good idea.
6. In Ireland "black gold" refers to Guinness, not oil.
7. Canada produces some amazing debaters. Congrats to all!
8. Booze-2-Go is the best named liquor store ever.
9. Watching Guinness being poured is a good experience. Drinking it isn't.
10. Two Brits judging for Alaska can indeed represent the "Dominion of Canada" in the world's masters competition and win. Yay for Toques, maple syrup, and "something like Ice Hockey."
11. Lanyards ruin black tie outfits. But one must ensure they have their accreditation at all times.
12. Emergency exits can look like a man in a hurry.
13. Sugar fights are dangerous.
14. One should beware of the South Africans, they have a malarial-meningococcal-influenza-contagious bug thing and an amazing ability to confuse doctors trying to make a diagnosis.
15. Cribbage is fun. Cribbage between debate rounds is extra fun. Girls versus Boys cribbage between debate rounds defies probabilities.
16. Quarantining people to differentiate between hangovers and illnesses results in heightened hypochondria.
17. When fitting 100,000 books into one room, arranging bookshelves according to book size makes space usage more effective, and helps people carrying books down a ladder.
18. Four people easily fit on a single bed.
19. Pajama parties in Jones' room are awesome.
20. Erin really liked her Irish hat.
21. Doors are meant for shorter people in Ireland.
22. Pantomime is French for "musical written by 1000 crackbabies typing on 1000 typewriters for 1000 hours with a bit of LSD added."
23. Driving on the wrong side of the very narrow and crazy roads in a vehicle with a standard transmission, relying on maps written by monkeys is an adventure. Erin is a pretty good driver.
24. Cork is pretty.
25. Blarney Castle has a murder hole. The grounds of the castle have a druid circle, a sacrificial alter, wishing steps and more.
26. Kissing the Blarney Stone is awesome fun, but requires flexibility.
27. Fermoy, home of the Charlie Brown pub, needs a by-pass.
28. In Ireland, everyone says "thanks a million."
29. The line "so long as we're not dead, we might as well be wed" seemed to really offend me.
30. Cork really was 17 shades of green, none of which were jaded.

The problem with traveling is that the period of time it takes to recover after the trip is brutal. Instead of 36 hours in transit (which is long, but included a night in London), it feels like I'm spending a week in transit trying to get things back to the way they were before I left.

More stories and pictures to follow.

Worlds In Poem

After a bit of prompting, I'm back.
(See Tinna, I listen to your emails! Make sure to club that seal so they know you're Canadian.)

While Erin and I never did get a chance to drive through the city of Limerick, we decided that we could still write a Limerick to explain worlds. The complete version is still under revision, so I'll only post the first one.

We went to Worlds 2006 in Dublin City
With 900 people that thought they were witty
For nine rounds we spoke
But only 32 teams broke
And everyone else went around seeking pity

Exams and no TV make Sharon go something something

Go crazy?

Don't mind if I do.

That's why in the case of Studying v. Watching Simpsons Reruns Inc., [2005] 12 S.O.A. 15, the defendant's use of the following line made me laugh:

That D.U.I. is a She-U.I.

I think at some point I started to ponder how things fit into one's brain. mmm... Synapses

7 days!

Surreal space monkeys redefined

So I was at this place tonight for this thing and this octogenarian with whom I was conversing (about baths and Ireland, Yay 10 days!!!) gets completely distracted by a 16 or 17 year old in a kilt. She then proceeds to gush about guys in kilts. Apparently after WWII she and her mom went to see the troops on parade. When she saw the Scots marching with "their pipes and their kilts and sporen swaying" she decided that that was the only way she would ever go to war; apparently otherwise she'd pretend to play dead the second her foot touched foreign soil. The narrative was interrupted every time kilt-boy walked by and she stared and gawked.

Oddly, that was a lot less surreal than the conversation with a delightful 40-year old.

I think these exam things are making me loopy.

Kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species - these are the hierarchy

I think I've been in law school too long.

I have started to classify people as being pre-charter or post-charter.

I am discriminating between them based on this distinction.

The irony is delicious.

*yawn*

I miss nap time.

Alien stream of consciousness

I wonder how many times a day someone googles "proof of aliens" or "proof that aliens exist" or some similar phrase. If they want proof, they should attend a bridal shower.

Bridal showers don't make sense. You already get the couple a wedding gift (fair enough, weddings tend to be big events/milestones/celebrations/reasons to give gifts), you may even get them an engagement gift (ok, so there's nothing wrong with rewarding people for agreeing to a commitment that statistically is 50% likely to fail), but a bridal shower gift? How many gifts can you get someone for one event? Does the bride really need to be showered with gifts yet again? And how much more can people be joyful for two people they don't even really know? Stupid Hallmark. Yes that's right, I blame Hallmark.

I think I'd be a lot less mad at Hallmark if they created cards for events that are more essential for the fundamental underpinnings of a democratic society, rather than silly unnecessary events like bridal showers.

Imagine if Hallmark made an election line of cards like "happy voting day" or "happy election campaign season" cards, or "at least you get to vote" cards, or "my condolences for the choice of candidates you have this year" cards. I could definitely use a few of those, poor Calgary-West.

I guess the problem with this round of federal elections is that we still have to vote for one of the current parties. Would it be wrong to vote on some arbitrary aspect of the candidates, like shoe size or hair colour or something? At least that way I won't have any expectations for the resulting parliament.

Time to invent a time machine

I wish I could somehow take the time I spent procrastinating a few weeks ago and insert it into my day right now. If everyone could decide where to insert idle time, time in general could be allocated so much more efficiently. And efficiency is a good thing. Not as good as chocolate or excel or leaving for Ireland in 25 days, but still a good thing.

It really would be awesome to get to sleep and to finish my work properly.

Now if only I could take the few minutes I spent on this post and somehow reinsert them in about an hour when I'm tireder and still not done.

Ravenous rabid rabbits

Was the rabbit at the end of Monty Python and the Holy Grail a vampire bunny, a were-rabbit, or just some sort of aggressive ravenous rabid rabbit?

1. Being really tired can impair one's realization of double entendre.
2. One should not buy shoes that are a half size too large. However, it does make them easier to throw at people.
3. It can take more time to recover from a weekend than a week of classes.
4. Throwing big chunks of granite at each other is a good way to relax.
5. Overtime Grey Cup victories are awesome.

Penguin Geneology

Interesting factoid of the day: Ponko the penguin is a facsimile of the penguin toy that belonged to the photographer Herbert Ponting who went to Antarctica with Captain Scott (after whom the Scott Polar Institute was named).

Flapping my wings but I still can't fly

My best friend is studying in Cambridge.

For Halloween she carved a pumpkin and named it Rodney. Apparently that is the name of a rather flamboyant TV show character and her co-carver re-named the pumpkin Bruce. (Apparently Halloween isn't as celebrated in the old world like it is here in the new world.)

She is studying polar studies at the Scott Polar Institute.
(She's really smart.)
She sent me a penguin named Ponko.
He's cute and smells like soap.
He isn't very adversarial, so he isn't debating at Hugill like Bismarck did.
But he is very soft and huggable and against demanding journalists to reveal their sources.

I miss you Tinna!

In other news, my nonagenarian grandmother volunteered to come along to Ireland if anyone needs an extra judge.

Less than four months until St. Patrick's Day

Christmas themed commercials start airing right after the back to school rush.
Valentine's specials are promoted before boxing day sales even die down, followed promptly by preparation for Easter.
Then there's the summer marketing blitz, then the back to school season, and we're back to the Christmas campaign.

Amidst this frenzy of consumerism and Christmas Carols, people don't seem to get a break to sit back and relax (and listen to Channukah songs).

Now while I hate to crowd the calendar, I think that it's time that people realize that St. Patrick's day, everyone's favourite Irish holiday, is on the horizon and fast approaching. Less than a third of the year to prepare! People start panicking about Christmas shopping with more time to spare. So in the spirit of preparing for St. Patrick's day, I think people should start preparing by drinking more beer.

Or by going to Ireland. (Yay! Leaving in 1 month and 3 days.)
And visiting the Guinness Factory.

I hear that it's a gorgeous country. According to one travel guide, Cork is 17 shades of green, none of which are jaded.

Dysfunctional semi-permeable membrane

You know what's stupid?

The fact that the US keeps finding ways to ban (or limit) anything Canadian from going south of the border. Except fossil fuels.

In news from the other side of the world, wouldn't it be cool to be nicknamed "the Bulldozer"?

Putting all the eggs in one basket

I wish people bickered less.

If they had cookies in their mouths they wouldn't be able to bicker. If they did, they'd spray people with cookie bits, which would be a waste of perfectly good cookie particles.

Cookie Conundrum

I've been told I'm a brat.

When presented with a container of cookies, containing some whole cookies and some broken pieces, I'll take one of the whole cookies, even if I only want a small piece and end up breaking it off (leaving more cookie pieces).

But it's not my fault! Whole cookies taste better than cookie pieces. (Although cookie pieces still taste better than nothing at all, which tastes better than broccoli.)

I think it's because the cookie fragments increase the surface area to volume ratio, increasing the rate of loss of fresh-cookie-yumminess (a proper scientific term, of course).

I also think that more people should bake and share cookies. How would I go about lobbying to get a date set to national cookie day?

Saturday Nights Live

Saturday nights are awesome. There is the default presumption that nothing productive will be done that night, and there is no expectation to do anything the next morning.

Last Saturday night, I played poker for the first time in my life. I understand the game, I've seen it played before, however, I had never had the opportunity to play. I was part of an 8-player poker game that kept me out well into Sunday morning, and it was Fantastic. There also appears to be some sort of poker-competency in my genes; alternately I had some wicked beginners luck, because somehow I won.

This Saturday night, I was watching the Toronto-Montreal hockey game. I was getting really sick of the fact that most of the rinks in the league still read "Thank You Fans" in mid-November. We get the point, the NHL apologizes that it wasn't on the air last year, because it meant we had to watch stupid TV shows or lesser sports games and the NHL lost a lot of revenue. But it's freakin' November, stop "thanking" us already. Fortunately, in Montreal they share my sentiment, and they got rid of the icy thank you note. Now if only they could've beaten the Leafs.

As well, tomorrow is one of three CFL games that is worth watching in the year. And Edmonton cannot possibly be that crappy two games in a row, right?