Don't panic, I'm mostly harmless

My goals for this post:
1) Use my favourite Daily Show quote for the week
2) Divulge a highly entertaining story without breaking any promises or betraying any confidences
3) Make an allusion to Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy

I used to respect a certain individual, until last week he cut a cheque and accidently made it out to himself instead of the intended recipient and all the [respect] I had disappeared like a horse in a jello factory.

Yay. Three for three.

I'll disabuse you of that notion in the hallway with a prosthetic limb

The notion of unconditional love seems like an antiquated concept in the age of Las Vegas weddings, 24 hour marriages, and ubiquitous divorces; and it appears that Sir Paul McCartney is paying dearly for his beliefs. A quick search on Google News reveals that Heather Mills will be receiving a $68 million divorce settlement to conclude a marriage of less than 4 years -- she's being paid over $17M/year of their marriage, or about $46,575/day, or about $32/minute (I'm told that that is a significantly higher rate than a 1-900 number or an escort). Do you realize how many starving children in Africa could be fed for that amount? If she were to only take $30/minute and donate the difference to one of those dollar a day foundations, she could support 24 orphans and give Angelina Jolie and Madonna a run for their money.

I find it difficult to be very sympathetic towards Paul. One should have to pay for one's stupidity and it seems to me that anyone that has found truly unconditional love would want to sign a prenuptial agreement to illustrate that the marriage was not incentivized by money. However, I am concerned about the $68 million windfall that his ex is receiving; giving someone who tries to influence an unrelated country's domestic policy regarding clubbing seal such a substantial sum of money could be detrimental. Fortunately, karma will be restored, in part; bookies everywhere are going out on a limb and are taking bets about whether Heather's leg will fall off during her upcoming performances on "Dancing with the Stars."

On a much more positive note, here is the story of a cute penguin that was saved near Japan.

I wonder how many penguins one could buy for $68 million?

At least three.

You can't throw children at a problem, unless the problem is a blender

Anyone that knows how to transform a shower into a giant goldfish bowl, please let me know. It is important. Very important. I'll even endeavour to not be unnecessarily cruel to the fish.

In consideration, I'll explain why there is no difference between horses and peanut butter.

Also, does anyone want to buy 2 Oilers tickets to the Minnesota game on March 15? I bought them the day before the trade deadline.

Duck Duck Goose Cookie Crane

I think that this Cigarro & Cerveja comic sums up my outlook on life perfectly:
This particular comic was even entitled quack.

Speaking of which, I was given the most amazing Chanukah gift (yes I know it was over two months ago): I received a set of rubber duckies that glow or light up when they are placed in water. I now want to have a dinner party so that I can use them in a centre piece. I cannot wait until the ducks fly north for the summer.

On a related note, today I was told that over 20% of the world's cranes are in Dubai. I thought that the statistic was referring to the bird variety of cranes, but it turns out that the statistic refers to the fact that about a quarter of the world's construction cranes (~30,000 of ~125,000) are opperating in Dubai. That's somewhat disturbing.