Using this doll, tell the court where the old man hurt you

On Tuesday, an old man, who had not been able to score in a significant period of time, finally scored. In so doing, he dashed the hopes and futures of the young men affected by his actions. They were devastated. He was ecstatic.

Other than in Calgary the next morning, wouldn't such a story likely trigger the thought of a pedophile rather than a hockey player?

Who ends a 22-game scoreless streak like that?

In a land of fairy tales and make believe

*DISCLAIMER: This post is not suitable for young children.

International law is like Santa Clause.

Everyone knows that it's not real, yet as a society we pretend it exists.

Treaties, conventions, and additional protocols are paraded around like a jolly red-suited bearded man on a Christmas float; their presence on every street corner compelling idealists to believe. People tell their children about the International Court of Justice, run by armies of elves, that can differentiate between those that have been bad or good and award lumps of coal or gifts, accordingly. A system of justice that can transcend national boundaries like reindeer can defy gravity, ensuring that every state can be held accountable. The prosecution of Charles Taylor by the Special Court for Sierra Leone and the International Criminal Tribunals for Rwanda and the former Yugoslavia are like an unexplained present under a tree.

But it is hard to believe that anyone (myself excepted) would work for cookies and the occasional glass of milk. And at some point every child starts to ask questions.

Why are people being held and prosecuted in Guantanamo? Why does China get to host the Olympics while oppressing people in Tibet and Taiwan and everywhere else? Why aren't the Chechens people too? Is a genocide in the Sudan too far from the North Pole? How can one man visit all those households in one night?

And in an instant, utopia is transformed into dystopia.

Yet some children continue wanting to believe in a better place. A couple extra lessons about Descartes could lead them to the conclusion that thinking about something can make it so. Or perhaps an over-zealous interpretation of The Little Engine that Could will lead them into transforming the world. However, I'll stick with Chanukah.

Grammar: Necessary but not sufficient

Yet another reason I do not write stories.

I backed away and tripped over a cell. The frisbee handed me my subsidy and opened the scam. It didn't make sense to me, but I was scared so I grabbed it and ran to my investors.

New Age Bedtime Stories

The morals from Aesop's Fables are as relevant as ever. The stories just need to be modernized. (Clearly I am very familiar with Aesop's work.)


Read the Small Print

Once upon a time there was a unicorn with a dazzling golden horn. He lived in a forest of reasonable proportions with a reasonable number of trees and a reasonable number of trees that fell while no one could hear them.

However, he was sad and alone. He had missed the memo that all the other unicorns had gone extinct.

Eventually, he contemplated joining a freak-show.


The Early Bird Catches the Worm (inspired in part by Sean Lee)

Once upon a time there was a bank robber. More specifically there was a man that was contemplating robbing a bank. He spent a great amount of time creating meticulous plans to hold up a particularly prosperous bank.

Once all the details were in place, he successfully broke into the bank, only to find out that the bank had just been robbed by another rogue party to the social contract.


Better Late than Pregnant

Once upon a time there was a particularly lovely girl with an alarming proclivity for living a century in the past. One day, she was convinced to think of England.

Did I mention that she is lovely?

Partially polarized bipeds

It has come to my attention that duck-footed is the antonym of pigeon-toed.